Ways to Humiliate, Annoy or Infuriate Draco Malfoy
by Valentine's Riddle
Summary: Ask him advice on what to do when your tattoo gets infected. In front of McGonagall. If you survive that, there's 49 other suggestions! Enjoy.


**50 Ways to Humiliate, Annoy or Infuriate Draco Malfoy**

**(The author hereby renounces any responsibility for bodily injury that may occur while following these steps)**

1) Steal Harry Potter's glasses. Superglue them to Draco's face.

2) Whisper "Yeah, I here he's pretty deficient in... _that area_" when he walks past.

3) Spread rumours that he's planning to elope with Severus Snape.

4) Spread rumours that his ruthless womanizing is a classic sign of repressed sexuality.

5) Call him "Ferret Boy", in a very flirtatious voice, whenever you meet him. Especially if you are a boy.

6) Ask him whether his hair gel is actually there to keep his wig stuck to his head.

7) Ask him when he's going to ask Ginny out- because he so _obviously _fancies her.

8) Ask him whether it makes him mad that Potter has what he can't have- and tell him there's a great place in Knockturn Alley that'll give you "two scars for the price of one"

9) Tell him that he's adopted and that his real father was James Potter, therefore his brother is...

10)Laugh loudly as he runs off to puke.

11) Ask him when he's marrying Myrtle, and whether you can host the bridal shower.

12) Say his teasing of Hermione is _obviously_ a sign of sexual tension. It's the classic "Little boy pulls the girl's pigtails because he likes her" syndrome, isn't it?

13) And the same goes for Harry.

14) Ask him advice on what to do when your tattoo gets infected. In front of McGonagall.

15) Ask him whether his mother joined Alcoholics Anonymous yet.

16) Say blond hair on boys makes them look gay. Get Pansy Parkinson to agree with you. Loudly. In front of the rest of the school.

17) Get Kreacher to follow him saying "Mistress Bellatrix wants Draco at home to give her a sponge bath, sir!"

18) Tell Voldemort that Draco destroyed one of his Horcruxes by accident.

19) Dump him into Fred and George's Portable Swamp.

20) Use Polyjuice Potion to turn into him, and then run round screaming "Harry! I know we promised to keep this a secret, but I still love you! I'll _always_ love you!" Do this all day.

21) Do the same, but run round giving all the Muggle-Born Hufflepuff/Gryffindor/Ravenclaw girls flowers. A few of the boys, too, if it strikes your fancy.

22) Do the same, but strip naked and handcuff yourself to Snape's desk. (Not for the faint hearted)

23) Shut him in a broom closet with Harry- then make money by betting with all your friends on who will come out alive.

24) Love potion. Millicent Bulstrode. 'Nuff said.

25) Love Potion. _McGonagall. _'Nuff said.

26) Give him fake tan for his birthday- "Oh, but you only need a healthy glow!"

27) Tell him that you totally understand- thanks to premature ageing, you've had to dye your hair for years.

28) Go into the Room of Requirement wearing only a lacy nightie, then wait for him to arrive. This is all the better if you're a guy!

29) "I'm your older sister, Draco. I will inherit your fortune, and to prevent yourself from becoming destitute, I order you to become an Auror and marry Hermione Granger"

30) Tell him that he failed all his NEWTs, and has to go back to First Year and repeat his tuition.

31) Ask him if he has fangs

32) Ask him if he loses to Harry on purpose because he's _secretly _in love with him.

33) Then whisper "No, it takes _skill_ to pull that off"

34) Ask him if he slept with Umbridge to get into the Inquisitorial Squad.

35) If he annoys you, yell "GINNY! BAT BOGEY HEX, PRONTO!", then laugh when he runs off.

36) Dare him to kiss Luna Lovegood

37) If he refuses, his forfeit is to streak through the grounds

38) While he's gone, steal his clothes.

39) Spike his pumpkin juice with a potion that makes him unwillingly tap-dance for a week.

40) Pin a "Kick me, I'm a Bigot" sign on his back

41) Get Peeves to follow him, and loosen every chandelier he passes.

42) At Christmas, bewitch a piece of mistletoe to float above him wherever he goes- and tell Romilda Vane and Pansy Parkinson.

43) Sleep with him, then say "No, you obviously haven't inherited your father's talent"

44) Tell him that, for extra credit in Muggle Studies, he has to analyse _The Exorcist _and all its sequels- then entertain yourself by taking photos of him as he screams in terror.

45) Tell him he has a real resemblance to Jack Skellington. Which is a good thing. Really.

46) Give him a big gold necklace saying "My Sweetheart" for his birthday, and then attach it to him with a Permanent Sticking Charm.

47) Tell him you've always loved a man that's in touch with his feminine side.

48) Tell him you've always had a fondness for Harry/Ron/Draco slash- then show him the videos on YouTube.

49) Read Draco/Harry slash fanfiction to him. Incessantly. In front of everyone in the Slytherin common room.

50) Stand in front of the Slytherin Boy's Bathroom, and when he tries to get in, yell "You-Shall-Not-Pass!", banging your broom on the floor as you do so, and enjoy the spectacle of him wetting his pants in panic.


End file.
